Cliff - email me

Sunday February 8, 2009 - 6:56AM EDT

I just want to drive off a cliff. Not really. But I don't want to live the way I have been living. I almost don't want to live anymore, that faint trickle of what you might call hope and some ragged obligation to some very mundane things is keeping me alive. That is probably an exageration because I don't think I have even the motivation to not live. I don't want to kill myself, no I don't. But it wouldn't bother me if for whatever reason while sitting somewhere I just ceased to be alive. Everyone probably wishes for such a peaceful death so who am I kidding.

What have I done with my life over the past 10 years. I guess I have accomplished a fair amount, I really don't have much of a standard anymore. It just all seems worthless. For whatever good things I have or have done I have countered them by just being a loser playing loserball 100 times over.

She is not worthless though. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I need to stop lamenting my past ignorance though, it doesn't really help. I know I've changed in a very short period of time. Radically changed inside. I don't know why or how but I can feel it. She doesn't think so and really who would think so either. I'm very odd, even though that is no excuse, I find that it leads to unwanted trouble sometime. Who would believe in change after such a long period of asshole behavior.

I'm sitting here 1:30 in the morning with an assload of work to finish for Monday that I don't know how I am going to finish and all I can think about is giving up living or being with her. There is nothing but her.  She is feeling sad too, but not for the same reasons I am. I feel like it is partially(all maybe) my fault how bad she feels right now, I didn't give her what she needed. Stop lamenting, nothing you can do now. I want to make her happy even just a little bit but I can't. Maybe it is selfish of me to think that I can. I don't know how to feel or what to do. All I know is that I love her and she doesn't want to be with me. As much as I want to comfortable with her wishes it is very hard. I'm not good at waiting for some things to resolve themselves. I don't know how to act toward her or how much space I should give her in her own sadness.

I love her so much but because of what I did (or didn't do) I have prevented myself from making her believe it. I want her to know how great she is and how good she makes me feel but I feel like sometimes she wants no part of me anymore. But that could be my own impatience and selfishness. I just feel an impending doom. I hope I am wrong though. All I can do it wait and hope it doesn't destroy me.

I need to get some sleep if I am going to have any chance of focusing on work. Time to have some nightmares before tomorrow.  I can't focus on anything, I hate this. I need to sleep, maybe I'll feel better in the morning, probably not.